I like to have an answer for everything. I like "knowing" what my next step is going to be. I'm a planner, and sometimes I expect my life to proceed in a clean, linear fashion without any changes. My biggest weakness is flexibility, and I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the perfect "pre-whatever".
I vacillate between PA and MD almost daily.
I never knew what you could learn from just listening and absorbing your surroundings. I was lucky enough to travel to Borgess Medical Center to shadow a Cardio-thoracic Surgeon, a Cardio-thoracic PA, and an Anesthesiologist. Each and every person I shadowed was kind, enthusiastic and personable. I learned so much from both the physicians and the PA's. I thought that this experience would solidify my desire to become a PA, but it did just the opposite. I am now more confused than ever, because both careers have benefits and drawbacks that I couldn't possibly know from just internet research. I loved watching the skilled surgeon harvest arteries for a CABG he performed on a beating heart. I loved how enthusiastic and respectful the anesthesiologist was towards the CRNA's that managed the anesthesia for individual patients. I especially enjoyed rounding with the PA on the post-op patients and admired his humor and good-naturedness. I see now that it is less of a decision of "PA versus MD". I see now that the medical world is an intricate balance of nurses, MA's, CNA's, OT's, PT's, PA's, doctors and many other professionals. I just haven't figured out where I fit into the balance yet, and I'm starting to realize that is okay. I am a planner, and I have a hard time saying "I don't know" when asked what I want to become. I know I love science, and I know that I had the best week of my life at Borgess. When I woke up at 5 A.M. I was excited to go into the hospital. When I came home exhausted and collapsed into bed, I felt like I had climbed a proverbial mountain. I felt like I had earned my sleep.
I loved that feeling. It was amazing to see the smiling faces of patients with blistering wounds, chest tubes, and painful incision sites. To overcome what these patients faced is a feat I could never explain. I want to be their provider one day. I want to ease their pain and help them through one of the scariest and most emotional times in their lives. I don't know if I want to be a doctor or a PA, quite honestly. I'm only a sophomore in college, and I have time to decide. What I can tell you, is that I am meant to be in medicine. I felt more emotions in that week than I have in a year. I watched as a patient with a 25% mortality rate (which is extremely high) get discharged from the hospital and go home with a successful heart surgery. I watched as a newborn was delivered via C-section, and a tear or two fell underneath my face mask.
I know that whatever it takes, whether I become an MD/DO or a PA, I want to be the caring face that tells someone the good news, or holds their hand when the bad news comes. I'm going to take my journey class-by-class, day-by-day, year-by-year. The only answer I have for now, is that I am meant to be in medicine.
Side Note: In total, I shadowed 38 Physician Hours and 11 Physician Assistant Hours in 6 days. It was a busy, crazy, wonderful and exciting experience.
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